Introduction of a prophet tends to have its complications. Some kind of dramatics is needed from the very beginning to get a good start for the legend. The Greeks had Aphrodite gallop up from the sea, but the beaches were so full of plastic junk now that the stunt was no longer usable. It would hardly add to the divinity of the Prophet, if She clomped up from the polluted sea, reeking of rotting seaweed, fruit flies swarming around Her slimy hair and a Walmart bag around Her ankle. More like a beached whale than God’s Prophet.
“I’m out of ideas,“ said God to Himself in Hebrew. “Dammit, let’s go with the Star Wars cliche again. I don’t think George Lucas would mind. He did not sue us for copyright violations when we used it with Jesus - why would He now?“ He continued, this time directing the words at your humble narrator.
“Virgin stunt it is,” the system admin replied.
Planting the embryo to the womb as an already fertilized package has several merits. Not only does it give plausibility to the prophet claims, but it also provides more precise control over the Prophet’s genetic composition. God envied George Lucas for coming up with that stunt which had made the guy the first English - speaker to outrank Him. [“But I Have No Husband: on the Use of Tailored, Fertilized Embryos in Initialization of Mythical Characters (Himmel Verlag, Day 7799548. 350 pages. In English. HBN 555-9987564.)”]
Jessica was no exception from the genetic tailoring God had learned to like to perform on His Prophets. Since She was supposed to appeal to both male and female humans, God created Her DNA by carefully hand-picking between the nucleotides of the two hottest individuals He knew of - Mick Jagger and Viivi Pumpanen. The complete egg was placed in the womb of a Californian single mother by the name of LaToyah Queen. She was far from a virgin, but like so many Americans at the time, serving a life sentence in a private prison for a traffic violation, and under those circumstances, giving birth to a white baby was considered a miracle.
“Back to your suite,” ordered the guard right after the young Miss Queen had been successfully extracted from the older one. Then she turned to look at the newborn. “Gee, she must be the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”
That was hardly surprising: the newborn Prophet did, after all, carry 50 % of Viivi Pumpanen’s genes.
The USA was slowly but steadily approaching the 1860 census percentage of people being held in captivity; this time, however, the slaveowners were publicly traded companies which made the practice universally acceptable. The few heretics opposing the practice were banned from Twitter because of their hate speech - a 2020’s version of public stoning. The current President was a significant shareholder in several correctional facilities, which made him the first President in possession of forced labor since Zachary Taylor. Calculated by his shares, the number of souls in his possession topped one million, kicking Thomas Jefferson with his pitiful 600+ slaves to second place in the presidential ranking.
The birth of the Prophet was marked by the appearance of a new star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but it was so full of stars for nobodies already that another one went utterly unnoticed. Besides, there were no longer three wise men left in the East anyway.
“I want my baby!” the darker Miss Queen cried at the guard through the cell door bribe hatch.
“M’am, as you have been explained, she is not your baby. Under the Imprisoned Offspring Act of 2020, she has been declared as the property of the Smiling Crook Prison Resort,” the guard explained patiently. “You are, however,” she continued, ” allowed to select her a proper Christian name.”
“Jessica,” the young felon said quietly, remembering a dream she had seen a while ago. “Your name shall be Jessica,” she repeated the words of the leather-vested Angel from her dream.
“I told You it would work,” the system admin said to God in nearby dimensions.
The prison company opened Jessica the Youtube account “Jennie2023” and put Her on display. Already as a toddler, She was earning money for the resort and email tokens for Her Mom by performing in diaper commercials (“To Pee or Not To Pee” was Her famous catchphrase at the time). Right after She learned to speak, She quickly became an irritating smart-ass, in spite of having no Jewish blood whatsoever.
Soon enough, the prison company realized that it would be best to let Her go in exchange for an ad for the resort (“Amazing Place, So Sleek and Round”) and an agreement that She would not talk bad about the company. By that time, Her channel already had over ten million followers, mainly because of Her unearthly looks. Free from the strict military-like discipline of the Smiling Crook resort - where a $2.50 token was charged for smiling - She started to grow Her follower base with rather liberal podcasts.
“Hi Y’all again. Not a bad day, seems my request for donations met a fertile ground. Don’t know what you guys are thinking, but I feel like shopping a bit. Follow me and see if I can shovel out a million bucks before my Nokia runs out of battery. There is an interactive game in the comment section as usual. For just $0.99 you can participate in guiding me on the Grump Mall. I’ll shop whatever you vote for. C’mon, join me! Will it be Naughty Jane’s or the Buzzing Banana? Or perhaps I need new wheels and head for the Teslaworld? Or maybe I will go and check out the new Visa Mäkinen flick at Planet Plywood? You decide. Let the votes keep coming!”
She was 19 years old and hot as hell. Everything went precisely as God’s team had planned.
